Published September 24, 2007
Lost Innocence
You press me down on the floor
Expressing your domination over me by crouching above.
I lay below
Scared.
Exposed.
Ashamed.
The fingers of guilt slowly snaking their way around my body.
What have I done to make you feel this way?
I see it in your eyes.
Lust.
Desire.
That selfish longing for pleasure.
That need for control.
Your mouth comes down on mine
Biting me
Entwining my tongue in yours
Stopping my plea for help.
Your hands feel sweaty in anticipation
As you remove my clothes.
I can feel them.
Cold.
Heartless.
Pressing against my bare skin.
Quivering under your touch.
You cover me completely
No longer content to explore the crevices of my body with your hands.
Your lips find my neck
Meeting my pulse.
It flutters weakly beneath your mouth as you
Allow your fingers to make their way through my long silky curls.
Traveling lower
You bite and claw, marring my pale white skin.
Your hand comes down on my cheek as I
Struggle.
Sobbing for you to
Stop.
You laugh
The sound is harsh mixed with your ragged breath.
You finish me off
Your desire fulfilled
Not caring as my scream of pain tears through the still air
For you have stolen my innocence.
You walk away.
Leaving me in the darkness.
Leaving me in agony.
I am suffering.
But you don't care.
I am raped.
But you walk away, not giving me a second thought.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,235 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
???? Wow very descriptive and emotional very good poem I would say not something I enjoyed reading it was very descriptive and emotional and dark. Which I think your intentions were so in that light it was an awesome poem.
It was a wonderful start, in my opinion; especially on such a dark subject. I think it could use a bit of work, but Claudette (as usual) said most of what I would like to say. One part that really bothered me was the ending. I expected it to have a meaningful ending that left me in utter shock, unsure of how to comment. Instead, it just ended. I'm not sure what you could do to fix that; I'm thinking that "not giving me a second thought" is almost unnecessary; perhaps you could end it with "and you walk away"? Just a suggestion.
Merry Writing
~Bella~
Steamy
Really intense.
Poor girl.
Very nice.
It din't realy go with the flow but I'm not the best poet in this site so...
Very nice
This was certainly deep. I did enjoy it, but I think... it has some parts in it that don't work?
Like the line "I am raped". We know this. We can tell. A good poet I know from here, Whence, and he tells everything without being direct like that, and it's beautiful. If you can avoid directly telling us things like that, and instead showing us, it'll make the poem so much better. Another thing is the large amount of adjectives/adverbs, all the kinds of fluff you have in this poem. It is pretty strong, though, you do make me feel a whole lot, but I think you could go deeper than that. Use metaphors to better explain things, and perhaps symbolism to represent something, and certainly use more sensory images. What does it smell like... what can his touch be compared to? etc. of course, without being cliché.
The last issue I had with this poem, is it almost seemed like it wasn't a poem. It was a story in verse. It didn't have many poetic elements, and all you did was tell, or explain, although you did show some things. Which is why I mentioned metaphors and sensory images earlier. Poetry does have to have some poetic elements to it, it's what makes it really beautiful.
I think it's OK as is, but you could certainly work it into something much greater. Best of luck!
To me, the substance of this poem was not in the words. The words, to me, were all things I'd heard before to describe rape.
W.O.W that was an intense poem. I thought it wasn't going to be as good as it was. I mean, rape is terrible, but described in such a way, it shows what the victim and a bit of what the rapist is thinking and feeling. I really liked it.
I really liked this it was very emotional looking forward to your next piece!!
I liked it. Well, I liked the poem, not what I was reading. It was interesting and very well-written. I liked your use of short lines to increase tension, it just mad everything so much clearer.
I have only two problems with this:
The first one is the ending. It didn't exactly disappoint me, but it didn't really sound good, and it didn't end with a bang. I liked the words, but not really their structure. My suggestion? Make "But you walk away, not giving me a second thought." into
"But you walk away
Not giving me
a second
chance."
It sorts of ends the poem more gradually, plus it feels deeper to emphasize "second chance".
The second thing, is that this had nothing amazing about it. It didn't have any incredibly good description, no beautiful, heart-stopping similies/metaphores, no rhyming, no literary elements that are common in professional poetry, like alliteration and the like. You must have at least one good element, and this one has none, I think.
Overall, it was pretty good, and it intrigued me. Edit it a bit and it will be splendid.
PM me if you have any questions!